11.22.2003

 

Well, it's that time again. Time to try to catch you up after being away from my blog for like two weeks. It's always such a struggle to try to remember all of the funny things that have happened since the last time I was parked here cross-legged in an uncomfortable wooden chair in front of my computer with infomercials playing on TV in the background. The Youthful Essence Home Micro-Dermal Abrasion System is on now, and what the fuck is up with that, by the way? Who really uses an electric sander on their face every day? That's just insane...Okay, but as I was saying...
I really like sharing the funny things more than the serious things, I've decided. Like, I realize that it may make my blog seem like less of a journal and more of a superficial don't-you-love-me-&-my-hilarious-life diary, but it keeps me lighthearted to write down the lighthearted parts and look back at them time and time again. I'm getting to be a person that doesn't like to dwell. I hope some of you (well, at least Becky) realize the significance of this comment--I am SO a dweller. But I don't like it. Actually, I could probably make statements like that for a lot of things right now. I am SO "insert adjective here," but I don't like it. So I guess now you know where I'm coming from and are probably getting the feeling that this is NOT going to be one of the aforementioned lighthearted entries, but.....well, blame Sara, cuz she has been excessively reminding me to blog lately and I'm partially doing this because I love her so darn much. :) Alright, sports fans, here we go...

The Dumb Bastard is still very on the way out of my heart in the I-wish-we-were-more-than-friends sense. This makes me feel absolutely awesome, conquering something that I thought would be undefeatable. It actually kinda pisses me off sometimes that, technically, he helped me get to this revelation through that one really insightful conversation we had a few weeks back. If this was gonna happen, I really wanted to do it all by myself. For it to be all about me, because the crush was obviously all about him. But, in the tradition of non-dwelling that I so desperately want to possess, I'll say, "oh well" and keep chuggin' along. I know that he and I can still remain friends, but I also totally see myself over-pulling away like I always do when a crush falls through for me and I feel like an ass for feeling it in the first place. I just want to let go of the bad parts, and not the closeness we've had since Day One. I've never had that closeness with a great guyfriend before. If I ever see this kid again, I just want to still be able to cuddle up and fall asleep watching B-movies, to let him be the only one that I can stand getting a backrub from, to have him be the one I can get drunk and mess around with once in awhile without feeling the least bit ashamed of myself the next day because I know he doesn't think any less of me or take it in the wrong way. That's SO too much to ask, I realize, but that's what I'm shooting for. A friendship that's close, but in a mature and reciprocal way. I don't want to totally lose him cuz he understands me so well at a time when I don't understand myself half of the time. Okay, super sappy-ness going on here. I better stop for now.

Let's see, what else? How 'bout school? Yes, about school: I still LOVE school. I'm not saying that I love the PChem-caliber tests that seem to happen almost every day, or the labs that Too-Bad-He's-Engaged Scott finishes in 45 minutes while I'm stuck there for 4.5 hours and still have to come back and redo the next day. But I am SO interested in what I'm studying, for the first time since high school, when I thought everything was interesting, but realize now that I was confusing interesting-ness with the fact that I liked when the teachers thought I was really smart. I am not the smartest person in my class now. And that is very very weird, and sometimes very very upsetting. Maybe this feeds into the Personality Overhaul I've been executing since I moved into my apartment--hmm.... Anyways, I do not dread going to class anymore, which is very refreshing. I do not start to pack up my things before the end of the class, either. It's awesome, and I'm actually kinda sad that I have such a long XMas break cuz I'm excited to see what the next diagnostic test we'll learn in Clinical Chemistry is. I'm a HUGE nerd, I know, but the great thing is that NOW I have 31 other complete nerds to spend the majority of my life with. I'm really getting attached to my geeky new friends--it's gonna be weird to leave them in May--it feels like we're just getting started.

My, my, my I'm dramatic and rambly today. Maybe it's cuz I read Becky and Kara's journals (which are always WAY more thoughtful than mine) immediately before starting to write this entry. Ok, so after you blame Sara, blame Becky and Kara, too.

Lastly, can I just say that it's kinda frustrating that sometimes I can't bring myself to blog about some really important things? There are two major, and I do mean major, things going on with me right now that I've started to write about several times now, only to get a paragraph out, delete the entire thing, and play a few (thousand) games of Snood to forget that anything even happened. In the past, I've used my blog for therapeutic purposes, obviously--y'all were paying attention during that whole year-long DB fiasco, right? But I think I'm getting increasingly too proud to admit that I'm not doing "perfectly fine" like I claim to be. Well, today's no different--I will be sidestepping those two major issues yet again. Sorry for the suspense, kids, but somehow it makes me feel better to just mention their existence, even if I'm not ready to talk about them just yet.

12:05 PM

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