7.23.2003

 

Alright, y'all, I DO realize that I haven't posted in a verrrrrrrry long time. And so, I would like to forewarn you: The following summary of the past two weeks of my life may end up being kinda boring to read...I'll do my best to make it somewhat interesting, but let's just say it won't break my heart if you fall asleep halfway through. And heeeeeeeeere we go!

*I got a new job at Wal-Mart. I am now officially an "Accounting Associate." And I'm pretty proud of it; like, all the other peons look up to me now cuz I have KEYS (I almost just heard you say "Oooooo....," by the way) and I get to touch approximately $100,000 every time I go to work. Add the 25 cent pay raise (okay, seriously, stop it with the "Ooooooo"s now; it's getting annoying) and the fact that I was utterly burned out at my cashiering job, and you will undoubtedly see that this job is a major step up for me. FFF: If there weren't three cameras (that actually HAVE cameras in them, mind you) watching me at all times, I would totally be "losing" some Benjamins in the pockets of my khakis on a regular basis and giving it to a much more worthy cause (like myself), but, damn the Empire, they've got this thing all figured out.
There is another newbie in the Cash Office that started around the same time as me, too. And my god is she weird. She has absolutely no tact, she is majorly annoying, and...I'll just skip to the reason I hate her: She speaks very quietly. Like almost inaudibly. Which is pretty much irritating on its own, but it turns out that when she's counting money, she HAS to count out LOUD, and I do mean LOUD in the loudest sense of the word. It's all I can do not to cup my hands over my ears and sing a little diddy every time she picks up a stack of 500 one-dollar bills.
One of my new co-workers, Traci, also helped me realize that most of the cashiers at Wal-Mart are complete morons. We have these "pink slips" that we have to write up and give to them if they mess something up, right? And as a cashier, I always HATED getting them. But now, I LOVE LOVE LOVE writing them cuz I'm a super mean person. Anyways, for a less heinous offense, we have an "F.Y.I. slip" that just nicely tells them what happened. Traci told me that F.Y.I. (in Wal-Mart-ese) means "Fuck, You're an Idiot!!!" And THAT is some funny shit. Enough about work...

*I had my post-operative visit with the surgeon that removed my rudimentary organ. He said that all is well now and I'm as healthy as a 22-year-old overweight smoking gal who never exercises or eats right can be (note: I might have embellished there a little bit). I'm a big nerd, so I asked him, "So umm...if you hadn't taken my appendix out, how many days would I have lived before it exploded inside me and spread infection to all of my innerds?" He calmly (and seriously I mean calmly, cuz this guy has ZERO personality) stated, "Two days max." Pretty fuckin' rad if you ask me. Perhaps I'll start calling myself "The Medical Miracle." Hmm....

*I went up to B-rok's cabin with Jon and the Boys. It was majorly good times, with good (read: horribly unhealthy) food, good (read: horrible bad-tasting, but deliciously mess-you-up-like) drinks, and thankfully, less baby deer on the roads than last year. The It Thing this year was fireworks. The Boys could get drunk and shoot Roman Candles at each other until the sun came up...I just sat inside and shook my head and played the Mom. But we DID have a good idea together, me and the boys: We made a graveyard for all of the wonderful spirits that have crossed the cabin's threshold and elevated our thresholds, if you know what I mean. Jon and Josh dug holes, Jody and I made tombstones, and the rest is history, folks. I would just like to take a moment now to say to all our fallen comrades, Strongbow, Mich, Mike, High Life, Misty, Hardcore, Guinness, Con Queso, MGDLight, and Honeyweiss: Rest in peace, homeys. We'll miss you. Til next year.

*I completed another life goal: I saw Snoop. This is UBER important, kids. Jill and I went to what was most certainly the best damn concert in the history of all of the concerts I've seen (even the NSYNC ones, and that's really saying something). Sean-Paul had great back-up dancers, which is good, because HE is an awful dancer himself. SO bad...kinda looked like the little gallop-y things they made us do back and forth across the gym the day before we did the Shuttle Run in elementary school. 50Cent is REALLY hot (especially clad as a P.I.M.P.), and I don't care what the Dumb Bastard has to say about it. Jay-Z is a fun guy with a LOT of songs I never knew I knew, ya know? And lyrically, he's great, so why does he keep doing these little 16-bar bits in every one of frickin' Beyonce's songs??? Oh, wait, I know why...cuz he's banging her. Yeah, exactly. And I've saved the absolute best until absolute last: Snoop was utterly some-word-that-means-"AWESOME, but then even a little bit better." And that's it...Well, and he puffed like four blunts during his set, and even had a special little honky to light him up when his bud went out. Wish I'd had a honky back when I was a stoner...It's quite a chore to find your lighter sometimes when you're completely blitzed. Good thinkin', Snoop.
Top off all the good music with some money, though. Cuz the drunk black people in the skybox behind our seats (well, actually, the seats that Jill snuck us into that were a whole balcony level below our ACTUAL seats!) had waaaaay too much cash up there, and they just started throwing it out over the crowd during Jay-Z's touching memorial song for Biggic, Pac, Eazy-E, JamMaster Jay, LeftEye, Aaliyah, etc. I feel bad that I wasn't FULLY paying attention, but hey, I made $11, and that covered parking and a pack of smokes. Sue me, I'm cheap.

*I went out with Becky, Jill, and Brad in Des Moines. Jill and Brad were the bomb, as usual, but the highlight was definitely watching my favorite little Becky "work the room" at every house of libation we set foot in. You go girl...show me how to get that Cute Girl Discount someday, k? Damn, I hate that that works for you. Grr. ;)

*THE SUMMER WHEN EVERYONE I KNOW GETS MARRIED, EPISODE #3: "Lisa Marie May quietly takes Gary Lynn Christensen II to be her lawfully-wedded husband who can't stop sweating during the ceremony."
Very casual, very small, very wonderful wedding. The ceremony was at the ultra-beautiful Des Moines Botanical Center, which proved to mean only one thing to the attendees: It was FUCKING ROASTING in there, man. Flowers are great, I love 'em, but HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I was soaked when I walked out of that place, and the ceremony was like less than 15 minutes long. I might as well have stood outside and looked in through the windows, cuz this dome-shaped doohickey also had the WORST acoustics imaginable. Well, imagine this, I guess: A beautiful wedding in some sort of Hawaiian forest, but everyone is WAY overdressed, and you have to read lips the whole time cuz you woke up deaf that day. The reception was really fun, though...It was held like two blocks from Des Moines's premier strip joint! But seriously, the bride and groom made fantastically sappy speeches before lighting the unity candle, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and couldn't help but turn to Tanner and whiny-ly remark, "I want to marry Gary!!!" Gary's parents are into Harleys, and they definitely look the part; Gary's dad shaved off his long ZZTop-esque beard just for the occasion. There was a pudgy little girl with a side ponytail that I thought reminded me of me as a child...and then I knew I was right when she karoaked to Britney Spears. AND lots of My Boys were present at this event, which made it all the more enjoyable for me! Overall, it was way good times. I learned that I will NEVER set foot inside a huge claustrophobic fire dome full of tropical plants ever again, and I think that's a valuable lesson.

Well, that pretty much catches it all up for now. For those of you who read all the way through it, I'll throw ya a bit of useless trivia: Did you know that there are people that work at the Almond Joy factory whose only job is to "properly align the nuts" on the top of every single bar? I learned this one by watching Unwrapped, and as the host uttered this already funny-when-my-mind-lives-in-the-gutter statement while standing on the production floor of said factory, I couldn't help but notice that over his shoulder were two posters which clearly showed just exactly what "Proper Nut Alignment" would look like. The posters had actual good vs. bad pieces of de-chocolated Almond Joys taped to them, people. It's funny, right? It surely is to me.

1:20 AM

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