6.11.2003

 

I feel so violated. My life will never be the same. I'll never sleep again. Yeah, it was THAT bad.

...Are you wondering if I had to measure ribbons at work again? If you are, then kudos to you, I DID do that this morning. But what happened to me WHILE I was measuring my ribbons is the important part. A word of caution, though: The following tale contains references to Satan, Satanic cults, and the Unholy House of Satan, and may not be suitable for the faint of heart or strong of faith.

8:00 AM Karen arrives at work, proceeds to the Layaway area, and begins quietly working on measuring mountains upon mountains of the ugliest ribbon you've ever seen. She wishes she were dead, but takes solace in the fact that she only has to do this job for three more days.

8:15 AM TheOtherKaren from the Red Wing store decides that it's "too quiet" at the fabric-cutting table where she WAS working, and brings allllllll of her fabric and allllllllllll of her fabric-measuring equipment to the Layaway area and spreads them out allllllll over Karen's work space! Oh goody! She also brought this perky little comment: "I just couldn't be out there by myself anymore! I mean, girls just HAVE to have a little gossip while they're working, right???" Karen tries to figure out what she did to deserve this; TheOtherKaren has already talked NON-STOP for the past TWO DAYS of work, for God's sake. (By the way, when Karen works REALLY hard on her ribbons so that she can completely ignore TheOtherKaren's mindless babble, TheOtherKaren states, "My, my, my, aren't we the quiet one today?" So annoying...)

8:30 AM (aka "The Official Time of the Coming of Satan & His Minions") One of Karen's assistant managers (Wayne) enters the Layaway area and picks up the phone. He presses the page button and the next thing Karen hears is: "Attention all associates! Code M to Layaway, please...Code M to Layaway. Thank you." Karen ponders whether it would be possible to strangle herself with the hot pink faux fur ribbon she's measuring. You see, my friends, Code M is Wal-Mart-ese for the infamous "Morning Meeting." Karen has never had to go to one before because she is USUALLY busy doing the job that she was hired for which involves no ribbons at all. But today is her lucky day...

8:30:42 AM Heeeeeeeeeere they come, folks! Karen thinks that she must've accidentally transported herself to the middle of a livestock auction. But she's wrong...this is just EVERY SINGLE WAL-MART EMPLOYEE cramming themselves into the Layaway area for the much-anticipated Morning Meeting! Sales associates, ICS associates, customer service specialists, stockmen, department managers, assistant managers, personnel managers, safety team members, risk control members, entrance greeters, exit greeters, people from other stores, probably a few midgets in tutus riding elephants and playing kazoos...you get the picture. There are a LOT of people in Karen's work space, and she is SO not okay with that.

8:31:00 AM Wayne wonders where everyone is. Karen thinks, "Ya mean there are gonna be MORE people in here?" Wayne repeats the page, and within 6.3 seconds, the number of people in the Layaway area doubles. Karen contemplates positioning pieces of fabric tape over her nose and mouth and simply waiting to suffocate. Or perhaps poking her eyes out with tiny little pushpins would be more effective....hmm....

8:32:34 AM As the anticipation climaxes among the assembled masses, Store Manager Rita FINALLY arrives at the meeting. To quote my fave flick, "Well, I can't really pinpoint the spirituality of it for you, ya know, if you've never experienced anything like it before...." Right, so I'm going to attempt to explain the horrors of the meatier parts of the Morning Meeting, but just realize that it is MUCH more horrible when you're actually there.

8:32:46 AM Reverend Rita approaches the pulpit. Let the sermon begin. She starts with some "world news" which could better be termed "everything happening in the world today that can affect the fate of Wal-Mart, Inc. and its international subsidiaries, of which there are many." This goes on for a LONG LONG LONG time.

8:55 AM Moving on to the business aspects of the day's announcements, Rita talks at great lengths about how Wal-Mart will surely conquer Target in the ever-present head-to-head "Always Low Prices" battle to the death.

9:05 AM Rita mentions a few things that actually pertain to our store for a few seconds. The most important of these items is the reading of the names of the department managers who achieved higher-than-usual sales in the past 24 hours. These oh-so-lucky individuals are asked to step forward and line up in front of the rest of the group and accept a round of applause for their hard work and dedication.

9:05:23 AM Karen realizes that she might as well just stop coming up with creative ways to kill herself, for what is about to happen will finish the job without her having to lift a finger. That's right. It is time for the Wal-Mart Cheer, people. Maybe you've heard about it. The aforementioned (that's for you, Jenn!) recognized personnel are asked to lead the crew in this rousing display of allegiance to the Evil Empire. What an honor! It's dreadful, and it begins as follows:
"Give me a W!!!" W! "Give me an A!!!" A! "Give me an L!!!" L! (Here comes the best part...) "Give me a squiggly!!!" Squiggly! Upon saying squiggly, everyone in the room besides Karen executes a dance move reminiscent of the line dance to Achy Breaky Heart. And that is only HALF of the cheer. I'm really sorry, but I have GOT to stop now so that I can keep my dinner down. I hope you'll all forgive me.

9:05:58 AM Karen, who has never been very religious, begins to pray: "Please Lord, save me, for Satan has taken hold of me and is gnawing on the core of my soul...."

9:06:00 AM The meeting is over. It takes FOREVER for alllllllll the "dedicated" employees of Wal-Mart to stop chattering amongst themselves and trickle back to their low-paying jobs.

9:15 AM TheOtherKaren returns from her ETERNAL trip to the restroom, only to find Karen balled up in the fetal position on the floor under the Layaway counter. She is speaking in tongues, and her body is completely covered with hideous chartruese velour lacey-type stuff. In her right hand, she holds a calculator and a No. 2 pencil, and in her left, a yardstick and an empty ribbon spool, but within clear view is her Wal-Mart name badge and 4-Star Cashier appreciation pin. She would remain this way for upwards of forty-five minutes, before calmly returning to her stool and measuring some more goddamn ribbon.

Alright, so that last part I made up...but I hope you can understand how traumatic my day was because of its brainwashed beginning. I'm exhausted right now, and I'm pretty sure that it's all Sam Walton's fault.

9:34 PM

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