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 4.14.2003
I haven't blogged about the Dumb Bastard in a long time, I think...I'm not actually going to go back and check, though, so let's just go with it, k? Okay, so update: Nothing has happened since whenever I last blogged about him. Nothing that isn't pure drama, that is.
Here's the DB drama of the day, served up piping hot from me to you:
-I feel myself pulling away from him. And I think he's noticing it, too. Like today, I didn't even want to hug him before I left. When I first started feeling this way, I thought it was happening because I was dreading how much I was going to miss him after I graduate in...whoa, 28 days. But now I'm thinking that maybe I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Like maybe my subconscious is turning me into a major-major-biotech ('member that joke, Beck?) when I'm with him because I'm just sooooo sick of feeling crappy about the whole thing--like a defense mechanism or something. My train of thought has just derailed, by the way, so I think I'll move on before I confuse myself any more.
-I want him to fight for me. I want to not have to try so damn hard all the time. He says what we have is really important to him. So why doesn't he call me anymore? Why doesn't he e-mail me anymore? Am I not giving him the opportunity cuz I'm being too smother-y? Or maybe he just doesn't care enough anymore. Icky thought.
-I'm pissed at myself for being so inconsistent. Lately I've been feeling like, "Wow, this is getting a lot better!" But I think I've been kidding myself, for the most part. Just when I get to the point where I say to myself, "Self, you're doing a great job moving toward the 'just friends' part of the spectrum--And you're surprisingly feeling okay about that." It's right then that I start thinking the complete opposite. Tonight was the worst it's ever been, I think. Last night when we hung out, I felt nothing but friendly. Today, when I got to his room, I was still 'just friend'-ly. I thought, "I'm strong. I don't need him to be the one to tell me that I'm special." I even told him about this one girl that I think he'd be good with (since he obviously doesn't want me). Then, three seconds later, something happened inside me that almost made me cry, and I started going over everything we've ever ever ever discussed in my head, trying to find something positive about our relationship that hasn't eventually come back to kick me in the crotch. I managed to mostly keep the tears in, and I'm pretty sure he was oblivious to all of this, but...still. Why does that happen??? It's SO frustrating. Why won't I allow myself to let him go? Grr.
-On a purely immature note, I reallllllly want to be better than the Hoochie Mama in every single possible way.
So, right now I feel...Well, to quote one of my favorite commercials (it's for CrankYankers, if you're curious): "You ain't nuthin' but a stupid ho." Ain't that the truth.
1:36 AM
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My Grey Area 